Zilker Trail of Lights

So I just walked the Zilker Park Trail of Lights. Wow, what a spectacle! Event parking is $8.00, and for that they're shutting down my street from 5-9 every day from the 10^th through the 24^th. There is a constant stream of shuttles from downtown, where parking is cheaper or free. And there were myriad little mini-carts rolling around selling a dozen kinds of strobing toys at a tidy margin.

I noticed that the woman towing three kids in a little red wagon was having a lot easier time navigating the ultra-crowded trail than the clever mom who brought a $1,000 triple-wide stroller

The trail was pretty long, and there were a few rest areas along the way (the first had a Starbucks giving out free holiday coffee, gingerbread lattes, and peppermint hot chocolate!). There was a traditional carnival assortment of food stands. Although I didn't buy anything, I could tell that people who came with an appetite left poor, but satisfied (yeah, bottled water for $2.00 was the cheapest thing there.)

Some of the displays were made of pure awesome, and I quickly snatched up one of the thousands of crappy baptist pamphlets (which were competing with fallen leaves to see who could cover more of the trail) and took notes. Here's a list of the ones I felt like writing down:

1. As you enter the trail, you go through a tunnel of red and green lights while a recording says something like "Welcome to the Austin City Trail of Lights. Please keep children near at all times. There are volunteers spaced along the trail wearing reflective vests, should you need help at any time." But the funny thing is, he had a REALLY thick Jersey accent. He sounded like one of the Sopranos! Not that there's anything wrong with that.


2. Austin Water had a pretty artful display, with a river made of twinkling blue lights bordered by rocks, and a water sound effect. Very calming. They had one of those little single-line displays with a scrolling message,

   Nothing says
   happy holidays
   like new
   HET Toilets!



3. One of the displays had the Southpark kids, mingling with the Peanuts kids, with Mickey and Minnie holding hands, Spongebob in the rear, and Underdog up front striking a heroic pose! Do you think they cleared copyright on all of those? I mean, we're talking cartoon network, disney, hanna barbera, nickelodeon, and united features syndicate, all in one display!


4. They definitely weren't afraid to mention Christmas... there was a very Christian theme along several of the displays. One in particular had the three wise men riding camels and carrying traditionally wrapped presents, and each had a giant star embedded in their skull. The one on the right was hastily painted, so his face already looked a little slack and creepy. Add in the enormous 4-pointed star which was literally embedded a couple of inches into his head, and it really did look like God smote them with ninja throwing stars for carrying anachronistic gifts.


5. There was a santa in a flying saucer, wearing a space suit that made him look like samus aran. To paraphrase Penny Arcade, "Brother, that ain't canonical"


6. That's funny. There are a dozen giant armadillos wearing santa hats, totally wasted, and they're dancing to hispanic accordion music. I'm not sure I get the point, but I suspect it's very, very deep.


7. Hehe. There's a cartoony looking dog, but he's pretty poorly made. Let me paint a picture: he's not anthropomorphic at all. More of a caricature of a dog. But the painter wasn't very good; the dog's face looks kinda tortured. And like all caricatures, he has an enormous head. Twice as big as his body, at least. And since the head is so heavy, the had to prop it up with some short two-by-fours. Add it all together, and it looks like a creepy illustration of canine hydrocephalus.


8. Wow. Just.... wow. A giant bonfire, surrounded by the most vituperative evangelism ever. Giant banners with the absolute worst of the fire-and-brimstone school of preaching. And they've got two guys with megaphones literally screaming unintelligibly. I paused to listen until I could make out some of his words. He sounded really angry, talking about how all sinners would burn in a lake of fire, roasting for eternity, stabbed by devils with pitchforks, yadda yadda... I mean, I didn't get that close to him, but I'm almost sure there was a vein throbbing visibly in his forehead. His group was the one handing out the pamphlets.


9. Neat, they have a stage with a bunch of 6-year-old ballet dancers. As I watched, they cycled through several different groups of little girls, who did some slightly creepy sexy salsa routines, a jazz-tap number, and some impressive solo stuff. It looks like they've got that stage booked solid - that's some impressive planning!